


Love Me Again

by Semantic_Woes



Series: Love Me Again [2]
Category: Liam Payne (Musician), One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Famous Liam, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Kid Fic, M/M, Non-Famous Zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-17 23:53:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7291210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Semantic_Woes/pseuds/Semantic_Woes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you had told Zayn a year ago that he would end up dating a world-famous pop-star, he would have laughed in your face. If you had told him a month ago that his boyfriend would cheat on him, well he wouldn't have even entertained the thought. Liam would never do that to him. But he did. </p><p>This is how it falls apart and they try piece their relationship back together. </p><p>Or the one where Liam cheated on Zayn. Zayn left. But when Liam drunk dials him, Zayn has a realisation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Long Way Down

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I posted a portion of this a while ago but then I lost my nerve and took it down. I'm trying again.
> 
> I've been working on this fic for an indecent amount of time but the combination of writer's block and second guessing my writing have made it impossible to finish. So again, this is just a part of what should have been a much longer fic. I hope it still makes sense and I hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> Please leave comments. Constructive criticism is welcome, opinions and rants coveted. I would love to know what you guys think, if only to know whether writing is something I should keep doing. 
> 
> Thank you for taking a chance on this fic.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't know 1d and this fic is purely a work of my imagination.

As the cab Zayn had taken from the train station curved and wound its way through the busy London streets on its way to the outskirts of the city, home, Zayn couldn’t help but admire the clear sky. There were a few clouds here and there but other than that it was the bluest hue known to London. It was almost perfect.

It reminded Zayn of one of his fondest memories, the family beach day he had had with Liam and Taylor that first weekend that they had spent together as an official couple. A warm trickle flowed its way into his heart and spread like summer sun as he tried to conceal the smile that tugged at his lips as he remembered watching Liam and Taz fool around in the water, their matching crinkle-eyed smiles brighter than the moon on the darkest night.

Maybe they could make another trip to the beach the next day if it was still nice and warm. Liam was due back from tour later that night and they could swing by Sophia’s and pick Taylor up the next day. They could make a day of it. Just some time out from all the craziness, to regroup and bond as a family after the past few mental days with the media storm and whatnot.

He also needed to talk to Liam, apologise for freaking out about everything. He’d been angry but his time at home with no media, paps or gossip had helped him gain some perspective on the situation and he could now admit that his anger had little to do with Liam helping his family by giving them money without Zayn’s knowledge and a lot to do with pride. Zayn’s pride to be exact. It hadn’t helped that he had found out via a gossip column that was calling him a gold-digger either, but Liam couldn’t be blamed for that. So maybe a day away for just the three of them tomorrow would give him the chance to make his apologies and make it up to Liam for ignoring him for the last week or so.

  
He was already planning the picnic basket for it. He was going to make Liam’s favourite ham sandwiches, he could pack a couple of cokes for them and some juice boxes for Taylor and all of Liam and Taylor’s favourite junk food, to make up to them for being so absent lately. The most recent fight with Liam wasn’t the only thing that had gone wrong between the couple, it was building for weeks and this fight had only been the boiling point. Zayn had mentally checked out of their life together. The media pressure, the gossip, Liam being away all the time and the damn paparazzi that insisted on following them around all the damn time had simply become too much for Zayn who was a small town boy who valued his privacy more than anything, and the only way he had found he could protect himself was by blocking it all out and that had transcended into his life with Liam and Taylor. So now that he had been home, cleared his head and gotten some perspective, he was ready to start it up again and make it up to his little family, and this little picnic would only be the start.

  
He was brought out of his thoughts by the gruff voice of the cab driver.

  
“There seems to be a bit of commotion outside your place. You gonna be okay to get out at the gate or should I drive you in?” Zayn looked up and out the window then and saw exactly what the cabbie meant. Outside their home was a group of paps even larger than when he had left. He had been hoping that the media storm would have died down by now but it looked like it hadn’t yet.

He sighed irritably.

  
“Drive me in please. Lemme just find the key,” he replied as the cab slowed down to idle a little way away from the crowded gate. He quickly found the remote in his backpack and pressed it as the cab turned into his home.

As the gates opened and they drove in the hoard of vultures that had been waiting outside the house descended on the cab clicking pictures and shouting inaudible remarks or questions at Zayn through the cab frame.

The cabbie, who by now Zayn was sure was actually a god-send pressed down on the gas and all but sped through the open gates, leaving the commotion behind them. He pulled up to the house and Zayn paid him, with a generous tip for his efforts, before climbing out and quickly making his way into the house as the cab crunched its way back down the driveway.

  
The house was eerily quiet and everything was still exactly as he had left it the day he had taken off. He needed to spruce the place up before Liam got home, cook Liam’s favourite dish and start his making it up to his boyfriend with a romantic night for just the two of them. He took the stairs two at a time as he made his way to their bedroom. He dropped his bag in the closet before he started with the tidying up and cooking.

~*~

  
Zayn looked around the house checking to see if everything was in order before peeping into the dining room where he had a romantic dinner set up, complete with candles and wine.

He had showered and changed too into a deep red sweater that he knew Liam loved on him and his tightest pair of skinny jeans, he figured that looking nice while grovelling might make things a little easier.

All that was left now was for Liam to arrive and this entire nightmare that had unfolded over the past couple of days could be over and he and Liam could get back on track with their lives and their family. The next stop for them now was happiness, and boy was Zayn ready for that.

After weeks, maybe even months of psyching himself out of this life that he had built with Liam and Taylor, he was now ready to put all those insecurities he had brought with him into this life behind him and focus on the most important people and that was his wonderful boyfriend and his amazing little girl. He smiled to himself just thinking about them. Yep, Zayn was definitely ready to focus on the important things.

  
He checked the time on his watch, he was minutes away from seeing Liam again, at least according to the times that Paddy had relayed to him when Zayn had called to check.

He hadn’t been able to get hold of Liam for hours, Paddy had said it had something to do with the media shitstorm around them at the moment but not to worry. So Zayn wasn’t going to worry. Nothing the newspapers and magazines could write would ever make him walk away from his family with Liam now.

He’d been stupid for letting this media frenzy drive him from their home, even if he technically was the only one there at the time, and he wasn’t going to let it happen again. Liam was patient with him, he was loving, kind and faithful Zayn would be a fat fool to walk away from that.

With one last sweeping check of the dining room setup he decided that it was time he caught up on some television since he had pointedly avoided it during his stay with his family. He found the remote and clicked the set on, flipping through the various channels to find something to pass the time while he waited for Liam.

As he flipped through, something on one of the channels caught his eye. It was a picture of him and Liam. Zayn had promised himself that he wouldn’t pay attention to the gossip about them anymore but curiosity got the best of him. He thought he could just tune in for a second to see what they were saying about them, maybe he could find out why the press attention on them had not died down yet. He was a masochist. He turned the volume up to hear the report.

  
_“A video was leaked this morning of Payne locked in a heavy kiss with a girl outside his hotel room after the last show of his world tour. Sources say that Payne and the girl identified as one of his dancers, Danielle Peazer, were glued together all night as they clubbed with the rest of his entourage. We have the videos so take a look for yourself.”_

  
His breath caught in his chest and Zayn lost all hearing as the only thing he became aware of was the rush of blood in his ear and the cold clawing dread as he watch a grainy video of a dark club come up on the screen.

He couldn’t see much else but a couple dancing raunchily together, hands all over each other’s bodies like they were about to go at it right there on the dancefloor.

But no, that couldn’t be Liam. Liam had the same broad shoulders as the stranger in the video, and yes the guy’s hair was the same sandy blond shade as Liam’s, quiffed up just how Zayn had taught Liam but it wasn’t Liam. Zayn was sure it wasn’t his Liam because his Liam loved him. His Liam would never have his hands all over another person, when he had promised to be faithful to Zayn, when he knew how much it would hurt him to find out.

Just as Zayn was shaking his head, a quiet chuckle on his lips because hadn’t he just promised not to fall into this gossip trap again? And already he had almost let some grainy video of some stranger in dingy nightclub convince him that Liam was cheating!

He got up from where he had been perched on the couch and was about to click the offending tv screen off when another video came up, this one clearer and better quality, a couple was pressed up against the door to a hotel room, snogging.

He stopped. He recognised the jacket on the guy. He had searched everywhere for it after Liam had left for the tour.

All of a sudden he couldn’t deny the broad shoulders or the hair, or the body he had spent countless nights marking up and learning.

In the bright lighting of the hotel passage he and millions of other people watching could see clearly who the guy in the video was. Liam was leaning into Danielle as they kissed against a room door.

Zayn could swear his blood had crystallised into icy spikes pricking at the walls of his veins. His heart was thudding a mile a minute trying to keep the ice cold spikes circulating.

He couldn’t breathe.

Why couldn’t he _breathe_? Why did the air he tried to take in sear its way into his lungs like potent acid?

Liam wouldn’t cheat on Zayn. Nope, he wouldn’t do that. Because he had sworn to Zayn that he would never hurt him. He had sworn to love Zayn just as much as Zayn loved him and though Zayn had known that couldn’t possibly be true because he loved Liam way more than anyone could ever begin to imagine or comprehend, he had believed that at least Liam believed that he loved Zayn as much.

  
He clutched at his chest, trying to claw his heart out because it was causing him more pain than good as it came apart. He was doubled over, trying to catch his breath or trying to hold himself together, he wasn’t sure which one when he heard the unmistakeable closing of the front door. Shortly afterwards he heard an all too familiar voice call his name.

  
“Zayn? Babe? Are you home?”

  
Liam.

  
He heard his footsteps coming closer and all Zayn could do was stand there, hands braced on his knees and try to school his breath, try to get the air that had been knocked right out of his lungs back in his body.

The footsteps stopped and there was a concerned, _“Zayn, love are you okay?”_ and then Liam was by his side, hands rubbing up and down Zayn’s back.

Zayn jerked away violently, almost knocking Liam to the floor with the force of it.

Liam caught his balance just as Zayn whispered, _“How could you?”_

Liam knew from the hollowness in Zayn’s tone and the shallowed out breathing that he had found out. That Zayn knew about how Liam had fucked up royally.

He wasn’t naïve, he had known that the videos would make worldwide news but he had hoped that he could get to Zayn first and be the one to tell him before the gossip mill. But as he looked towards the where Zayn now stood, just a little ways from the TV screen, the television confirmed his deepest fear.

There frozen in front of him was an image of him and Danielle kissing against his hotel door. He felt the blood drain from his face down to his legs where it anchored him to the spot, limbs too heavy to try and move.

  
“Zayn, I can explain. All right? Just let me explain.”

  
“ _Explain_?" Zayn asked, a bit dazed. What could Liam possibly say that would undo the shattering of his heart? It was right there, on the screen in front of him. Liam was kissing someone else.

Zayn felt cold, terribly cold, like the blood in his veins had been replaced with ice water and he was feeling light too, the ground beneath him beginning to spin slightly. He quickly found his way to the couch and sat down, head between his knees as he tried to catch his breath and get some blood back to his head.

  
Liam watched as Zayn swayed on the spot before stumbling his way to the couch. He was worried because Zayn was now a sickly pale hue that Liam had never seen on him.

He wanted more than anything to go up to his boyfriend and see if he was all right but he didn't dare move. He didn't think he had the right to, at least not anymore. He didn't know if he could touch Zayn after the way he had reacted earlier but he still needed to know if he was all right so he spoke into the silent lounge, his voice echoing loudly into the room.

  
"Babe, are you all right? Do you need some water?" there was no reply from Zayn as he sat with his head between his knees, breathing steadily. Liam was just turning to go and get a bottle of water anyway even though Zayn hadn't answered him when Zayn's just about whispered question caught his attention.

  
"Did you _fuck_ her Liam?" Zayn hadn't even known he was going to ask that question until it had left his lips in a breathless whisper. But as he did he realised that he needed to know. Needed to know because if it was just a kiss, then Zayn could handle it. They could work through it. Zayn could forgive a kiss because what was a kiss in comparison to the year and a half that he and Liam had put into their relationship? But if it was more than that? However much more, Zayn didn't know if he would have it in him to stay.

  
"Zayn, love, you look poorly. How about I take you to the doctor first, yeah? Then we can sit down and talk about this." Liam pleaded desperately but Zayn wasn't having it. He wanted the truth.

  
"Did. You. Fuck. Her?" he spat every word out slowly, like he was trying to get rid of a bad taste on his tongue. Anger laced his ice cold tone. "Yes or no Liam?"

  
Liam nervously lifted his hand to cup the back of his neck where beads of sweat were prickling through the skin there.

  
"Look Z, it was a mistake, all right? A stupid, drunken mistake. But I prom-"

  
"You fucking bastard!" he muttered before the words were barely out of Liam's mouth. He was off the couch and pushing his way past Liam. He went straight for the bowl in which they kept the keys and grabbed his car keys, Liam right behind him muttering explanations and excuses but all of it was just white noise to Zayn. He couldn't really hear what Liam was saying through the deafening screams of grief in his head and the loud shattering of his heart.

Liam reached for him as he got to the door but Zayn shrugged him off before making his exit without another look back.

  
~*~

Liam was left standing at the door as he heard the shutting of the car door and watched as Zayn sped down the driveway and into the night.

All he could do was stand there, helpless and watch as the taillights of the car disappeared into the night.

As soon as the red lights had disappeared into the night, Liam had sunk to the ground as uncontrollable sobs wrecked through him.

He had no idea what he was going to do to fix this mess that he had created.

  
~*~

When Zayn had left the house, he didn’t really have a specific place in mind that he was going to. All he had known was that he had to get out of the house and be as far away from Liam as possible because he couldn’t even look at him.

Zayn was angry, but even more than that he was hurt. The lump in his throat had made its way down to his chest where it was now attempting to smother his heart, which didn’t feel like it was putting up much of a fight.

  
Liam had cheated on him. His Liam. The love of his life, Liam. The Liam he had had to fight himself to trust in the beginning had betrayed him, betrayed his trust and stomped on his love.

As the images from the television screen played over and over in his mind, Zayn was finding it harder and harder to breathe and the road ahead was starting to get blurry. The tears collecting in his eyes were clogging up his vision.

He tried to keep driving but as his hands began to shake uncontrollably around the steering wheel he realised he needed to pull over. So he found a spot on a relatively safe part on the side of the road and pulled over.

  
He wiped angrily at the traitorous tears that fell from his eyes. He didn’t want to cry over this. He had too much pride to cry over some guy.

But that was the problem wasn’t it? Liam was no longer just some guy. In the span of their relationship and their life together, as a family along with Taylor, he had become his life.

Zayn had seen them sending Taylor off to university together, growing old in their home – together. Once Liam had burrowed his way deep under Zayn’s skin, Zayn hadn’t imagined that he would ever have to consider life without the other man or the little girl who had become more like his own daughter.

But then there he was, sitting on the side of the road, crying because he had to now – he had to start thinking about what he was going to do without Liam because Liam had broken every bit of faith Zayn had had in their relationship.

  
As he sat there, on the side of the road alone, sobbing, he was overwhelmed by a mixture of feelings. All he could see in his head was a reel of the images he had seen on the television earlier. He was plagued by visions of Liam all over Danielle in that club and him kissing her against the hotel room door and all he wanted to do was throw something or punch a wall. He was in his car though and there were no ornaments to throw or walls to punch so he settled for hitting at his steering wheel again and again and again. Despite the pain that seared through his metacarpals, he kept punching at the wheel until he felt some sort of reprieve from the anger that had momentarily overtaken him.

But when that bout was done, all he had left was the hurt again. It ached all over him like he had taken a beating. His lungs felt as though they were constricted again and breathing became harder than it should be.

His heart seemed to be struggling under the weight of the pain he felt. The beats came heavy and laboured as though it wanted to give up and give in, like the heartache was too much for it to handle. He let it out though. He let himself get lost in the ache because he wouldn’t be able to wallow in it forever. He had a lot to prove. He couldn’t let anyone see that he had let someone hurt him so deeply, especially with the guaranteed media attention that he would now garner thanks to Liam’s VERY public indiscretion.

  
The tears were still coming hard and fast when he decided he couldn’t sit on the side of the road forever. But he wasn’t sure where to go because he didn’t want to go back to _that_ house, where Liam was, where Zayn would be continuously reminded of his cheating every time he looked at him. At the same time he couldn’t drive to Bradford. He was in no state to, not when his hand was starting to bruise and swell from how hard he had kept punching at the wheel, and also not when he could barely breathe without feeling like the life was being smothered out of him, causing his eyes to clog up with tears that made his vision blurry again. So he did the only other thing he could think of in the moment.

He called Louis.

  
The phone rang couple of times before Louis came on the line, voice chipper and raspy, he sounded like the comfort Zayn needed.

  
“Oi Zayner! Been trying to get hold of you lad!”

  
From the tone in his voice, Zayn figured that he hadn’t heard yet. He wasn’t surprised though because he and Harry were always busy, with work, with friends or with each other so they really had no time for television and they had long ago sworn off any type of magazine or paper that printed gossip. Also, if he had heard, Zayn had no doubt that Louis would have been the first to call.

  
Zayn was trying to hold back a sob that was threatening to break over the speaker of his phone but it broke out nonetheless.

  
“Zayn? Mate, you all right? What’s the matter?” Louis’ voice went from jovial to worried in a heartbeat.

  
Zayn managed to calm himself enough to say, “Lou, I need you to come get me,” before he broke down again.

He felt like such a fool for crying like this. The last time he had cried this much was when his father had died.

  
“Okay, I’ll come get you. Right now. But I need you to tell me where you are, all right mate?” Zayn nodded, stupidly, because of course Louis couldn’t see him nodding over the phone.

He took deep breaths to calm himself. All the while Louis held the line, murmuring a comforting chant of that’s it, _just breathe mate_ and _it’s all right, you’re fine_ until Zayn had calmed enough to tell him he was parked on the side of the road, just on the outskirts of the area where he lived with Liam.

Louis told him to stay put and that he would be there in no time at all. He didn’t hang up the phone though, instead he told Zayn to stay on the line because he wanted to know that he was safe. So they stayed on the line, Zayn sniffling away the last of the tears he felt like he’d been crying forever and Louis comforting him.

  
~*~

After Zayn left Liam was a wreck. He wanted to go after him, make Zayn listen to his explanation.

He wanted to make him understand that what had happened with Danielle was nothing but a horrible lapse in judgement. He had never set out to hurt Zayn. He loved him. He more than loved him, aside from Taylor, Zayn was his life, his everything.

He’d gone as far as to fish his keys out of the bowl and make his way to the garage before coming to his senses. He knew from experience that after a fight or a disagreement, Zayn needed time to himself. He’d take off for an hour or a bit, on a walk or a drive, to clear his head and calm down. Then he’d come back and they’d talk.

He hoped that that would be the case this time too. Liam knew though, that this time it wasn’t just an argument about money or making an appearance at some event. This time he’d fucked up by sleeping with someone else and he was sure it would take more than an hour for Zayn to calm down. So he went back into the house and just sat on the sofa, waiting.

  
He waited no more than two minutes before he was pacing, driving himself absolutely crazy with thoughts. Almost all of which were self-berating ones.

The guilt and the pain from seeing the look on Zayn’s face before he walked out the door were weighing on him and the air felt as though it was getting thinner and more sparse with every second.

All he wanted to do was to call Zayn, explain himself and make things right. He wanted to roll their world back onto the axis from which he had recklessly knocked it off, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t fix the situation with an explanation because he didn’t have one.

He had no excuse for what he did. Yeah, he was drunk almost to the point where he forgot his name, but even in that state he still remembered having some control of his mind and his actions. He wasn’t so drunk that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing. He did know, but part of him was consumed by the irrational panic of not knowing where he stood with Zayn, that he had sought whatever sort of comfort he could find, and it just so happened that the source of that comfort was Danielle.

He couldn’t explain that to Zayn in a way that would make him understand and forgive him because it didn’t even make sense to himself as he played it over in his head. He had been stupid and callous. That was all. And now he couldn’t do anything but pace the entryway of their home and hope that Zayn was safe and would come home soon, so he could at least apologise.

  
He was still pacing when his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He reached into his jeans and quickly pulled it out, hoping it was Zayn.

As he pulled it out the caller I.D. read a different name than that he was hoping for, but it was still a person he could use in that moment. He’d barely pressed the answer call button and put the device to his ear before Harry was speaking, his slow drawl laced with concern.

  
“Li, is everything all right over there?” Harry asked, “Louis just ran out of here, saying something about finding Zayn? Is he all right? Are you home?” his voice became more urgent with every question asked.

  
Liam took a deep breath in. He meant to steady himself enough to be able to answer Harry, but instead the air he took in felt like shards of glass stabbing right at his chest and suddenly his eyes began to prickle with tears he did not deserve to shed.

He didn’t mean to cry. He wasn’t supposed to. He was the one who had cheated after all and he wasn’t the one who had just found out through an international edition of a celebrity gossip show either. Instead he deserved to feel every ache of the situation and to still be disparaged because what he had done was unforgiveable. He caught himself just as a choked sob forced its way out of his lips and echoed through the empty house.

“Li? What’s going on? You’re crying.” Harry now sounded a little more than just concerned.

  
“I didn’t mean to Harry. I just – I fucked up and I didn’t know there were cameras, and people filming. I didn’t know,” he choked into the phone line.

  
“Liam, you’re not making sense mate. Cameras?” he sounded confused. Liam supposed he couldn’t blame him, Louis and Harry barely watched television and when they did they were watching the X Factor or Big Brother and nothing else really.

  
“I _cheated_ Harry,” the words came out in a defeated whisper, “and now it’s all over the television and Zayn found out.”

  
There was dead silence on the phone for a moment, there wasn’t even the sound of breath coming through, as though Harry had forgotten how to breathe.

  
“I’m coming over there, all right?” Harry said once he’d remembered how to speak again and the shock of the news had worn off, “Just, don’t do anything rash until I get there Li,” that was the last thing Harry said before he hung up and rushed out the door, much like his boyfriend had done, not five minutes prior.

  
~*~

“Mate, can you drive faster please?” Louis snapped at the cabbie. The man grunted his response but didn’t bother picking up speed.

The guy must have been driving slower than his nan does, and the car is usually just barely moving when that happens. He was antsy, just sitting there in the back of the cab, not knowing what the fuck had happened or why Zayn had called him up in tears. He knew it was Liam’s fault though. He didn’t know the story but somehow he knew Liam would be at the centre of his best friend’s heartache. Liam was at the centre of everything of Zayn’s since they had met. He was the centre of his best friend’s happiness, insecurities and life, so much so that Louis had begun to feel like there wasn’t room for himself in Zayn’s life anymore. But that wasn’t a surprise. He had always known, from the moment Liam came into their lives as more than just a pop star who happened to be friends with Harry, that he had lost Zayn to him.

  
He abruptly cut his chain of thought off. He couldn’t be getting angry now, not when he needed to be clear headed and strong for when he found Zayn. He listened in on his phone, to check that Zayn was still on the line and all right. He was. Much to Louis’ relief and comfort, the sniffling had stopped and there was just steady breathing on the line.

  
He was leaning forward, just about to give the cabbie an earful when he spotted a familiar car just up ahead. It was Zayn’s car, he recognised the licence plate.

  
“Can you pull up to that car please?” he asked, gentler than he had initially been planning to address the man. The change in tone could be attributed to a sudden spike in concern. He had been concerned before, of course, but now taking in where Zayn was parked – the middle of nowhere really – it hit him just how upset Zayn must have been that he couldn’t even drive far enough to a safer, more populated place to park.

  
The cab pulled up behind Zayn and Louis pulled out a note, and handed it to the driver. He didn’t even wait for the change before he was jumping out into the darkness that was illuminated only by the headlights of the cab and Zayn’s break lights.

  
The cab was driving off even before Louis had the passenger door to Zayn’s car open. When he climbed in he found Zayn staring blankly out through the windshield. He didn’t even flinch when Louis opened the door. He looked like he was in a trance-like state. Louis was glad he had arrived when he did, because if he hadn’t even registered Louis opening the door then anything could have happened if the wrong people had shown up.

  
“Z?” he said gently as he sat in the passenger seat, gently coaxing Zayn back into the present. Zayn looked at him then, only just seeing him.

  
“You came,” was all he said before he lifted his hand to wipe a tear that was falling from his eye.

  
“Of course I did,” Louis said, squeezing his best friend’s shoulder to comfort him. “You had me worried there. Didn’t know what was happening, had to make sure you were all right.”

  
“He cheated Louis,” were the next words to come from Zayn’s mouth before he started sobbing again. To say Louis was shocked would be an understatement. He had been expecting a host of things to be the cause of this situation. It could have been an extension to Liam’s tour, the death of an extended family member or something to that effect but not what he was hearing. He knew Liam was twat, yeah, but he hadn’t been expecting to hear that Liam had been a twat enough to cheat. The blood in his veins started to boil and he all of a sudden felt like his whole body was on fire. That fucking bastard. He was going to kill him. Louis was going to fucking bludgeon Liam to death when he saw him, maybe run him over a couple of times with his car, for good measure, and Harry wasn’t going to be able to talk him out of it this time.

  
He wanted to let out a stream of cuss words and profanities but he held it in, knowing that that was the last thing Zayn needed from him. He instead focused on trying to comfort his heaving friend. He pulled him into a hug over the console between their seats as Zayn soaked through his shirt with warm tears. His own tears betrayed him as they started falling one by one as he heard and felt Zayn crumble in his arms, helpless to ease the hurting the other man must have been feeling. He hadn’t meant to cry, by all means he had told himself that he was going to be strong for Zayn, no matter the news, but that was nearly impossible to do now. Sitting there in the car with Zayn crying so hard that his body was shaking with it, Louis couldn’t help but be affected by it. His own heart was breaking just sitting there watching his best friend fall apart.

  
After a while, Zayn managed to get himself together enough to stop the flood of tears that had freely flowed when Louis had shown up. He leaned away from him to wipe what was left of the tears before speaking up.

  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he gestured at Louis’ soaked shirt, “I’m a mess,” he laughed self-deprecatingly. It was barely a laugh though, it was a valiant attempt at trying to appear as being okay even though he still felt like his world was falling in on him.

  
“No mate, don’t worry about it. You’re okay Zayn. You’re fine,” he replied, pulling him into his arms again.

  
“C’n I stay over at yours tonight? I just, I can’t face him right now Lou,” Zayn asked into the quiet car.  
“Yeah of course. Come ‘round yeah, don’t think you should be driving in your state,” Zayn didn’t even put up a fight. He simply opened his door and got out. Louis took that opportunity to quickly wipe at his eyes, so any trace of tears was gone before doing the same and rounding the car to get into the driver’s seat.

“All right, let’s go,” he said with faux chipper in his voice.

~*~

When Harry entered Liam’s house, he didn’t even have to call out like he usually did to find out where he was because he found him perched on the stairs, just staring at the door. He closed the door gently and made his way to perch next to Liam. The other man sat silently, just shaking his head.

  
“You all right?” Harry asked. Not a second after the words had left his mouth, he mentally slapped himself. That was the stupidest question he could have asked. Of course he wasn’t all right. It was just that Harry didn’t really know what to say. What did you say to your best friend who had cheated on the love of his life? Sorry? It will be okay? The former wouldn’t right the situation and the latter was an utter lie. Things probably wouldn’t be all right, at least not for a while.

  
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” he asked quietly, strong arm wrapped around his best mate, who looked ashen and tired and overwhelmed.

  
“I didn’t mean to,” Liam said, and he felt like he had said that a thousand times since the incident. But what made him angry was the fact that he himself somehow expected that to make his confession easier to swallow. If he hadn’t meant to sleep with Danielle, then what had he meant? Which part of his actions that night pointed to him not meaning to end up in this exact situation? The answer was none. Nothing he had done that night was intended to not hurt someone, whether it was himself, Zayn or even Danielle.

  
“He was just so mad at me, and I got mad because he was mad at me for trying to help. God, it was stupid Harry, all of it was stupid! I wasn’t thinking. I wish I could take it back,” but h couldn’t could he? It was done now. His transgression was not only out in the open, but out to the entire world and Liam was mortified.

  
“Who was it?” Harry asked, he thought maybe it would make a difference. Maybe it would make it easier to understand what Liam had done.

  
Liam let out a deep sigh before speaking again, “It was Dani.”

  
And yes, it did make a difference, just not the one Harry was looking for. It didn’t have the relieving effect Harry had been hoping for. It had the exact opposite effect. Harry now understood a little bit of why it had happened, but he didn’t like it one bit. Liam had had a crush on Dani when they had started working together, but Harry had thought it was all done with when Zayn had come along, clearly he was wrong. The worst was that he knew that Zayn and Liam had had a past argument about Liam’s friendship with Dani, that Zayn had never been quite comfortable with her. No matter how Liam tried to explain this, Zayn would never believe that it wasn’t premeditated. Not when the person he had cheated with was Danielle. He himself wasn’t quite sure if the transgression was as accidental as his best friend insisted it was, even if it was on a sub-conscious level.

  
“You know this is going to make this a little harder right?” Harry asked as gently as possible. He wasn’t trying to scare Liam, but it had to be said so he didn’t expect too much from the situation because in all honesty, it looked bad for him.

  
“You think I don’t know that? I know how fucking bad it looks Harry, but it wasn’t like that. I would never have done that to him if I was thinking straight!”

  
“Yeah, but you did mate. And instead of sitting here staring at the door, you should be working on how you’re going to make this right.”

  
Liam knew that. But what he knew even more than that was Zayn. Zayn didn’t take this kind of thing lightly, he especially wouldn’t because it involved Danielle. He was feeling a little helpless and sorry for himself because he knew that Zayn wouldn’t forgive him.

  
“What am I gonna do? He didn’t want hear anything I had to say when he left here. He doesn’t believe me. He thinks I’d do that to him intentionally and it hurts. Hurts because I did it and hurt because I never would have wanted this. I never would have wanted to break us like this,” with this confession Liam was in tears.

Harry held him while he cried, knowing there was not much else he could do. He couldn’t undo what was happening, and he sure as hell didn’t know how this would all pan out. Whatever happened though, Liam was his best friend and he was going to be there for him no matter what the outcome.


	2. The Climb Back Up

Zayn was lying in bed in Louis and Harry’s spare room, pretending to sleep. Truth was he hadn’t really slept since he walked out on Liam. Every time he closed his eyes all he could picture was Danielle, evil smirk pulling at her lips and her hands all over Liam in a way that no one else was supposed to have access to but himself. That was the promise, the commitment they’d made when they started dating and solidified when Zayn moved in with Liam. But that commitment seemed to have meant nothing to Liam. If it had, he would have never gone and done something like this. Why would he break Zayn’s heart like this when he knew what it had taken for Zayn to tentatively and hesitantly hand his it over to him in the first place? They had promised never to hurt each other, and Zayn would have died before letting anything hurt Liam or Taylor but Liam had just broken Zayn without so much as a thought.

  
He tried to eat but between the ache in his chest, the lack of sleep and hollow pit in his stomach, he really had no appetite. So he just lay there, staring at the ceiling. He tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable but the bed just felt so big and it lacked the warmth that came with a second body to lay with. Zayn couldn’t understand this discomfort though. He couldn’t understand why he suddenly missed Liam’s company in bed. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to sleeping without him. He did it all the time when Liam was on tour or out of the country promoting. So he just couldn’t understand why it tortured him so much now. Maybe it was because this time he knew the emptiness wasn’t just temporary. This time, there was no looking forward to Liam coming home, because Liam had given that up. He had given Zayn up for a “meaningless” shag. He would have to start getting used to the cold sheets and the empty bed though, because this time Liam wasn’t going to be lying in bed with him ever again. This separation, this emptiness and the hollowness he felt? Those were all permanent now.

  
It was almost 2am and Zayn was still lying wide awake in the bed – sleep having successfully evaded him – when his phone started vibrating from where it lay on the bedside table. He reached over to get it. When he caught a glimpse at the caller id his heart gave a painful lurch. It was Liam. Liam was calling him and Zayn’s heart was aching all the more for it. He briefly considered ignoring it. A month later and he was still terribly bitter and hurt about everything that had happened. He didn’t expect to have been over Liam yet, but he at least thought that he would be past this crippling depression by now. But how could he be? He had not only lost the love of his life, but he had also lost a child and he was hurting with it. He missed them every minute, every day. He still found himself driving to their neighbourhood after work sometimes, forgetting that he didn’t live there anymore and as he’d approach the gates he’d be reminded that he couldn’t be there anymore. There was nothing for him there any longer. And he’d turn around and head back to Harry and Louis’. He may have been avoiding Liam, but he didn’t cut Taylor off completely, it wasn’t her fault that her dad had broken Zayn’s heart and he never wanted her to feel like it was. So he still spent some days with her when Liam would drop her off with Harry. But that was the most he could do, because he knew that he had to start letting them go eventually.

  
He was about to press the ignore button and forget that he had ever seen Liam’s name flash on the screen until he was gripped by a terrible thought. What if something was wrong? Liam hadn’t tried to contact Zayn since the first week of their separation, so why would he try to now? He wouldn’t call at 2 in the morning if it wasn’t an emergency, or at least that’s the excuse Zayn gave to himself as he answered the phone.

  
“Z-zayn? Babe, s’that you?” came Liam’s slurred voice over the speaker.

  
“What’s wrong Liam?” Zayn asked quietly, a bit exasperated to find that he had answered only to speak to a drunk Liam.

  
“You’re not here. I want you _here_ ,” was Liam’s reply, “I, I want you to come home Zayn. Please baby, please come home.” Liam pleaded. Zayn only noticed the quiver in Liam’s voice and the sniffles that were coming through over the tinny speaker as the words left his mouth.

  
“Why now Liam?” Zayn found himself asking. It wasn’t the most appropriate time, seeing as Liam was drunk off his arse but he’d waited so long to do this, why had Liam waited so many weeks, so many days and so many hours to make this call?

  
“I wanted to give you your space,” was the whispered reply. “You weren’t taking my calls and I just thought I should give you some time, yeah? But I can’t anymore. I can’t take it. It hurts so fucking much without you.” Zayn couldn’t answer that. The lump in his throat was making it damn near impossible to speak without breaking down because he knew exactly what Liam was talking about. It did hurt too fucking much being apart from each other. He knew it from personal experience.

  
Liam didn’t let Zayn’s silence deter him though as he barrelled on.

  
“Look, Z I know I fucked up, okay? I know it. I’m so sorry love. I didn’t want to hurt you. I would do anything to take it all back if I could, I just, I just want you back babe. I want you to come home,” he said as he began sobbing freely into the phone line.

  
“You know I can’t do that Leeyum.” Zayn said, summoning all his willpower to keep himself from crying too. “I just – it still _hurts_ too much.”

  
“Hurts more than being apart like this?” Liam asked.

  
Zayn’s heart stopped for a beat before it kick-started and resumed its painful thudding in his chest. Liam knew Zayn’s buttons, he knew which ones to press to get a rise or reaction out of him. If anything, it was evident in this question now. “When I was on tour you’d always say that there was nothing worse than being apart. Has that changed?” he asked, a little more soberly than before.

  
“That was different Liam. That was _before_ you – before this mess.”

  
“But you still love me don’t you?” Liam asked a sliver of hope coming through in his voice. “Because I still love you Zayn. Never gonna stop too. You’re my forever. I know I messed everything up but god babe, I wish you’d just come home so we could sort it out. We can’t fix this if we’re apart Z.”

  
Liam knew by the silence that now reigned over the phone and the painfully slow puffs of breath that came through the speaker that he’d, at the very least, broken Zayn’s resolve. The silence dragged out a while longer while Liam listened to Zayn’s quiet sobs and sobbed along with him.

  
Zayn was the first to pull himself together, a sudden thought coming to mind.

  
“Leeyum, where is Taylor?” he had been so preoccupied with Liam and all the things he was saying that he hadn’t thought to ask after the little girl. It worried him that she may be within earshot or even eyesight of the drunken mess that Liam was.

  
“What?” Liam asked confused.

  
“Taylor Liam! Is she there with you?”

  
“No. She’s with my mum.” Zayn gave a silent sigh of relief. He knew that Liam’s first priority was always making sure his daughter was taken care of, but he just needed to be sure.

  
“Okay. You need to get some sleep now babe, all right?” he cooed into the phone, trying to get Liam to calm down enough to hang up.

  
“Will you come home?” Liam asked.

  
Zayn sighed, realising that Liam wasn’t going to hang up until he made promises that he didn’t know he could keep.

  
“Sleep Liam,” was the only reply he could afford before he abruptly hung up the phone.

  
~*~

Liam woke up early the next morning, head pounding and throat bone dry. He was still fully clothed and lying on top of the covers. He did not have much recollection of the previous night, all he could remember was having a few glasses of whiskey. But judging from the pounding headache he must have definitely had more than that. But that’s not what woke him up. What woke him up were the sounds of someone moving around the house and the enticing smell of a fry-up. He figured Harry was checking up on him, as he’d gotten into the habit of doing since Zayn had left.

  
The first thing that caught his eye as he made his way down the stairs was the familiar set of luggage sitting at the foot of the stairs. His heart picked up pace at the unexpected sight. But he didn’t want to get his hopes up yet, not until he saw him face to face first, only then would he allow himself to hope.

  
He made his way tentatively towards the kitchen, where the clattering of dishes and pans was coming from. Just as he had hoped, walking into the kitchen he was met with the sight of not curly brown hair stumbling through the room but raven black hair, moving ever so gracefully around the kitchen like he just belonged there, even after his 4 week absence. And he did belong there. Liam had never been so happy to see anyone as he was to see Zayn, there in the flesh in what had become their home and remained so even after he left.

  
“ _Zayn_?” he said quietly, as if saying the other man’s name too loud would result in him disappearing again. Zayn turned then from replacing a pan to its original place.

  
“ _Leeyum_ ,” he said in return, not saying much else. But Liam was grateful, grateful just to hear the familiar way in which Zayn said his name, grateful just to hear his voice on more than just a cell phone voicemail message, grateful to have him standing right there in their kitchen, where he belonged.

  
They stood there in silence for a moment, both overwhelmed by the magnitude of the moment. Both of them knew that that moment, seeing each other after weeks of separation would determine whether or not they could work things out, whether or not they needed each other enough to fix things and from the tears that gathered in Zayn’s eyes and the overwhelming remorse that washed over Liam at the sight of Zayn it seemed as though maybe that moment was a start. A start of their healing process.

  
Zayn caught himself just as a tear fell from his eye and quickly turned his back to Liam while he scrubbed it away with the sleeve of his Henley. He’d told himself he wouldn’t cry. Not in front of Liam. He couldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that even after how deeply he’d hurt him, Zayn couldn’t stay away.

  
Zayn hadn’t been able to sleep the previous night after he hung up the phone with Liam. His heart had hurt more than he thought it physically possible to hurt. Hearing Liam sound so broken as he’d sobbed into the line had caused him more pain than even the day he had found out about the younger man’s infidelity. He spent the night going back and forth about coming back here, about trying to work things out and though his pride stood vehement in its position to forget about Liam and to move on with his life, his heart wouldn’t let him. The ache he felt as Liam wept into the phone, begging his forgiveness and begging him to return was testament to the fact that Zayn loved Liam too much. Too much to leave him and too much to ever survive without him, even as messed up as it sounded, Zayn needed Liam. He needed his heart, which he had left with Liam and that little girl that he had grown to love as his own. So when the sun had finally risen, Zayn had gotten out of bed, packed his things back into his suitcases and quietly left Louis’ house.

  
Here he was now, standing in the kitchen of the house that had not so long ago been his home, trying to hold back tears. Tears that burned like hot acid at the back of his eyes because it still hurt. Four weeks later and god did it still hurt. Looking at Liam brought it all back. The stabbing pain of betrayal tore at him but even as it did, he knew now that that pain was nothing compared to the pain of being without Liam or the pain of knowing that Liam, the man he loved with all of his being, was suffering. And that’s why, even as he stood in that kitchen, tears building and heart aching, he stood firm in his resolve to, for once in his life, not run from a problem but fight through it.

  
He wiped at another tear that fell in quick succession to the first before clearing his throat and turning once again to face Liam.

  
“I made you breakfast.” He said, voice a little shaky at first but quickly gaining its strength as he continued to speak. “And I put out some stuff that may help with the hangover.” With that he regarded Liam one last time before he made his way to exit the kitchen. Before he could cross the threshold though Liam spoke up.

  
“Zayn?” Zayn stopped short of his hasty departure and turned to the other man. “Are we going to talk about it?” Liam asked once he was satisfied he had Zayn’s attention.

  
“Not now Liam. I can’t – maybe at a time when you’re not so hung-over, yeah?” Zayn replied, trying desperately to keep the emotion out of his voice. Liam nodded his assent and Zayn was grateful that he did not push the issue because in all honesty, Zayn didn’t have it in him to talk about it now, not when he was still raw from it all. He began to turn to once again make his exit when Liam spoke up again.

  
“But Zayn?”

  
“Yes Leeyum?” he said turning to face him yet again.

  
“Are you home? F-for good?” he asked, the hopeful innocence of a child intoned in his voice.

  
“Yeah,” Zayn nodded. “Yeah Leeyum, I’m home,” he said before hastily departing from the room.

It scared him how quickly he had answered Liam’s question, how he hadn’t doubted it for one second as he answered it but it was the truth. Zayn was home. His home was anywhere Liam and Taylor were, no matter the trials. Someone once said you have to fight for the things you love, and Zayn loved Liam with every fibre of his being and he was going to fight for their relationship, even if it was against himself – against the self-doubt, the resentment, the anger, the hurt and the pride – he was going to fight.

  
Zayn reached the foot of the stairs where he had left his luggage when he had arrived earlier and quickly gathered his bags up and made his way upstairs. He walked down the hallway and straight past the master bedroom that he and Liam used to share, straight down the hallway to a spare bedroom that was furthest from the master bedroom on that floor. As soon as he had dropped his bags in the room and closed the door behind him, everything that he had been holding back since his reunion with Liam downstairs overwhelmed him as he stood with his back against the door. A sob wrecked through his body as he slid to the floor and wept.

  
~*~

Liam sat at the kitchen table and stared at the food in front of him. He still couldn’t believe that Zayn was back. Liam was very much aware that what he had done was terrible and something Zayn would never stand for. But there he was, back in their home and he’d even made Liam a hangover breakfast. Liam felt an immense amount of guilt for this. He knew that no matter how much he tried to apologise, it would never make up for what he’d done to Zayn. It would never be enough. He resolved though, as he sat at the table shovelling his food down, that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to Zayn because that’s how long he planned to keep the other man around – forever.

  
~*~

After he was done with breakfast and had taken the pills for his still pounding headache, Liam made his way upstairs to take a shower. He walked into his room, expecting to find Zayn’s luggage there and the man himself unpacking but to his surprise all he found was an empty master bedroom. He peeked into the bathroom but found no one there either. He started to worry that maybe Zayn had changed his mind and had walked right back out the door without him noticing. He walked out into the hallway and just stood there, not knowing where to even begin looking until it hit him that Zayn’s favourite room in the house had always been the library. He’d go in there and read for hours on end without anyone even knowing he was home. So that’s where Liam was headed when heart-breaking weeping brought him to a stop outside one of the guest rooms farthest from his room.

  
He stood there just listening while Zayn cried, not knowing what to do. He wanted to go in there and hold his boyfriend and make everything all right again, but he wasn’t sure if that was a good idea, especially since he was the reason that Zayn was in so much pain. He was the one that had done that to him. His heart ached as Zayn let out a strangled cry. That spurred him into making his way into the room, doubts forgotten. He couldn’t just stand there and listen while Zayn fell apart in the room. He had to hold him. So Liam opened the door gently and looked around the room until he spotted Zayn just behind the door, his knees pulled up to his chest and his head in his arms.

  
Liam stepped closer to him, careful not to startle him. He sat down next to Zayn and tentatively put his arm around the smaller man, pulling him into his side. He expected to be met with resistance or a “fuck off Liam” but Zayn came easily which prompted Liam to bring his other arm around him and hold him tightly. He held him for what felt like hours as Zayn shuddered and convulsed in grief. He didn’t realise he too was crying until he heard a choked sob that definitely didn’t come from Zayn.

  
~*~

 

Zayn woke up a little while later to find himself wrapped up in Liam on the floor of the guestroom. For the first time in a little over a month, Zayn had actually gotten some sleep. He felt far more rested than he had felt in a long time. He got up, careful not to jostle or wake Liam, to find his phone. The clock said that it was just past 2 o’clock in the afternoon. He and Liam had been passed out on the floor for just over 4 hours. When he picked his phone up to check it, he found that he had 27 missed calls from Louis. He groaned inwardly. He knew that Louis must have been worried because he’d up and left in the early hours of the morning while he and Harry were asleep and hadn’t bothered to leave a note or anything because how was he to explain to his best friend that he was going back to the man that had cheated on him and effectively broken his heart? He had taken the cowardly way out and now he was about to pay for it because as much as he would rather put telling Louis where he was off, he knew he had to do it soon because knowing his best mate as well as he did, Zayn knew that he would probably have the entire London police force looking for him if he didn’t hear from Zayn before nightfall.

  
He was about to make his exit to go make the call when Liam shifted a bit on his spot on the carpeted floor. Without thinking Zayn reached for a pillow off the bed and the throw that sat neatly folded on the bed. He walked over to where Liam was still sleeping and carefully lifted his head to put the pillow under it. As he laid him back down he couldn’t help noticing the dark rings around Liam’s eyes, they matched Zayn’s, which told him that Liam had probably been getting as much sleep as he had been. He should’ve felt some sort of vindication at that moment but all he felt was remorse. Despite how much Liam had hurt him, Zayn didn’t like knowing that the younger man had been in as bad a situation as he had been. He carefully laid the throw on Liam and made his way out to call Louis.

  
As he made his way downstairs he sifted through the multiple texts that he had received while he was asleep. Many of them also from Louis.

  
_**Tommo** : Zayn, lad where have you gone? You all right? Call me._

  
_**Tommo** : Zayn I’ve been trying to call you all bloody morning! Answer your damn phone you twat!_

  
_**Tommo** : Zayn I swear to god when I find you I will dismember you and feed the pieces of you to homeless dogs for making me worry like this!_

  
_**Haz** : He didn’t mean that last text. He’s just worried. Give us a call just so we know you’re okay? x H_

  
_**Tommo** : Okay, I promise I won’t dismember you, but I really am worried. Call or text or something! Just so I know you’re not lying dead in a ditch somewhere._

  
_**Nialler** : Yo Zayner! Giz a shout whn u get dis. Just wanna knw u’r alryt m8. _

  
_**Mum** : Sonshine, give mummy a call, all right? Worried about you._

  
_**Doni** : Where are you? Call me, we’re worried._  


It seemed that Louis had alerted everyone to his disappearance already and he hadn’t even been gone a day yet. He really had to call him before he actually did call the cops. He found Louis’ number in his contacts list and dialled as he made his way out onto the patio, carefully shutting the door behind him. He pulled a cigarette out of the box he’d grabbed before leaving the room, lit it and took a deep drag from it as the phone started to ring.

  
“You bloody wanker! Where have you been? I’ve called everyone, looking for you! Even your mum you twat!” was the first thing he heard being shouted at him through the line.

  
“Yeah, I noticed. Cheers for that, by the way.” Zayn replied sarcastically.

  
“I will have none of that sarcasm Malik! I was worried, therefore justified in my actions. The least you could have done is left a bloody note.”

  
“I’m fine Lou, really all right?”

  
“If you’re really all right tell me where you are and Curly and I will come out and get you.” Louis said in his no-nonsense, big brother voice.

  
“Can’t you just be happy knowing I’m safe?” Zayn asked hopefully. Wishing that Louis would just drop the subject and leave it at that.

  
“Why won’t you tell me where you are Zayn?”

  
“Because I know you Louis and I know you won’t approve and you’ll judge me.”

  
“The only places I would judge you for being are a straight strip club and –” Louis cut himself off before Zayn heard him audibly gasp over the phone. He knew then that Louis had figured him out.

  
“You daft little shit! You went back to him didn’t you?” Louis shrieked. Zayn grimaced at the high pitched sound and the words Louis spat at him.

  
“Louis, you don’t understand. I – ”

  
“The only thing I don’t understand is why you’d go back to someone who hurt you Zayn! That prick _cheated_ on you, PUBLICLY!, why would you go back to him?!? Again Zayn! _Again_!” Louis all but shouted into the phone.

Zayn didn’t need that though. Not in that moment. He didn’t need a reminder that Liam had cheated on him, and he most certainly didn’t need to be reminded of just how public the whole thing had been. He already knew it. He was already conflicted about his decision to come back and he didn’t need his best friend adding to his already heightened stress levels. So he hung up. Just like that, Zayn Malik decided that he didn’t need other people to tell him how daft he was for coming back because he already knew it, but he also knew that he couldn’t leave without giving him and Liam a fighting chance.

  
~*~

 

Liam woke a little while later to find himself laid out on the floor of the guest bedroom, with Zayn nowhere to be found. He would have worried that the other man had left again, but he was soothed by the fact that his luggage still sat in the same place it had been earlier in the morning when he’d found him huddled behind the door. He sat up, stretching his cramped muscles and realised that there on the floor with him was a pillow and a blanket that had not been there before. His heart squeezed a bit at the gesture that Zayn had done. Even as stupid as Liam had been, through his own heartache, Zayn was still doing little things to make sure Liam was taken care of.

  
He was thinking of making his way downstairs to maybe try and talk to Zayn when he caught a whiff of himself. He still smelled of the whiskey from last night, which made sense because he hadn’t yet showered. He decided that maybe their talk would go down better if he smelled fresher than he did at that moment. So he hauled his achy body off the floor and trudged down the hall to the master bedroom.

  
He came down half an hour later, freshly showered and shaven. He expected to find Zayn either in the lounge or in the kitchen but he was in neither room. As he was making his way to the fridge for a bottle of water, he caught sight of Zayn sitting on the back patio cigarette in hand. He grabbed two bottles out the fridge before exiting onto the patio too.

  
Zayn looked up as the sliding door opened. A comfortable looking Liam came out onto the patio, two water bottles in hand. He must have showered, Zayn noted, because he was now in sweatpants and a universal studios hoodie and his face was cleanly shaven, making him look not a day older than 18. Zayn always loved comfortable Liam. That was his favourite Liam because it meant that all the celebrity façade was off and he was just himself, ordinary Liam James Payne. That only Zayn and his friends and family got to see.

  
“Hey,” Liam said, handing him a bottle. Zayn nodded his thanks as he took the bottle from him. They sat in awkward silence for a while until Zayn’s phone began vibrating. Zayn didn’t even flinch though, instead he just reached out to stub his cigarette out on the ashtray near him. The phone went silent for a moment before it began its incessant vibrating once again.

  
“You gonna get that?” Liam asked after the fourth bout of vibrations.

  
“No,” Zayn said simply.

  
“What if it’s important?” he asked.

  
“It’s not,” was Zayn’s curt reply.

  
“How would you know that? You haven’t even looked at it.”

  
“I know who it is," Zayn said irritably. "It’s Louis. I hung up on him in the middle of a rant telling me how fucking stupid I am for coming back to you. So no Liam, it’s not important. All right?” Zayn snapped at him.

  
That was enough to shut Liam up, and keep him from saying anything more. Zayn got up then and made his way back into the kitchen.

  
He hadn’t meant to get angry at Liam but it just irked him how everyone had taken to trying to tell him what to do and how to live his life. Aside from his friends and family he had the world judging him, telling him what to do about his relationship with his cheating boyfriend. The last thing he needed was said boyfriend to tell him what to do either. He was rummaging around the kitchen, slamming cupboard doors for no apparent reason, when Liam came in.

  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad,” he said from where he stood near the door. His apology only served to fuel Zayn’s anger. 

“Do you even _know_ what you’re apologising for Liam? You don’t even know why I’m mad!”

  
“I do know why you’re mad,” Liam replied, “You’re mad because of everything that’s happened. Zayn, you must know that I am so sorry for it. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I was dr-”

  
“You were drunk and it was a mistake. Yes, I know Liam! You and your fans have made damn sure that I don’t forget that. Do you know what it feels like Liam, to have the entire world know your boyfriend is cheating on you before you do? To be made to look like a fool in front of millions? No, you don’t. You also don’t know how it feels to then have everyone tell you how to react and how to behave, what to do and how to feel about it. It’s maddening! You’re all trying to tell me what to do and what to believe and all I want is for everyone to just fucking shut it so I can figure things out for myself!” 

“Zayn – ”

“No! Don’t you fucking say another word Liam. Not now!” with that Zayn pushed past Liam and out of the kitchen. He was in the foyer, about to climb the stairs to his room when he was stopped by the bell. It went off a couple of times in quick succession. He briefly wondered how whoever it was had gotten in the gate without being buzzed in and was about to leave Liam to deal with it when he was frozen to the spot by an all too familiar voice shouting through the heavy wooden door.

  
“Zayn! I know you’re in there! Open this fucking door!” Zayn stayed rooted to the spot at the bottom of the stairs. There was a moment of silence as Louis seemed to have let up on the bell. Zayn was then turning to resume his way upstairs when he was stopped once again by loud, obnoxious banging on the door. Zayn paled. He knew Louis could get protective but he’d never heard him sound quite so murderous. He was sure if he opened the door someone would wind up getting hurt and his money was Liam. He resented Liam for cheating on him but he didn’t want him or anyone getting hurt.

~*~

Liam was still standing in the spot Zayn had left him in, in the kitchen. When his attention was commandeered by the commotion that seemed to be coming from the front door. He went out to investigate and found an ashen looking Zayn, standing dead still at the foot of the stairs. He was about to ask the older man what was going on when another round of banging on the door started up.

  
“Liam, you fucking bastard you better open this goddamn door right _NOW_! I’m not letting you do this to him again!”

  
Liam was about to head over to the door and open it when Zayn stopped him.

“ _No_!” he hissed. Liam looked at him questioningly.

  
“Just don’t open it, okay.” he whispered.

  
“What? Why not? He obviously has something to say.” Liam was interrupted by more banging and shouting from the other side of the door. “Zayn, he’s making it sound like I’ve kidnapped you.” He hissed back.

  
“Just leave it, all right? He’ll get tired and he’ll go,” he himself didn’t quite believe that. Louis could be quite tenacious when he wanted to be.

  
“Zayn!” Liam hissed, “We can’t just leave him out there!”

  
“Liam!”

Zayn glared at him. “I’ve never heard him this mad, all right? If you let him in there’s no telling what could happen. One of you will end up hurting the other.” He looked genuinely terrified of what could happen but Liam wasn’t so sure that it was the prospect of he and Louis fighting more than having to face him, that scared Zayn. So Liam just stood there as Louis banged on their door, screaming all sorts of profanities until another voice could be heard from the door.

“Lou, come on. Let’s just go home, all right love? You can talk to them once you’ve calmed down,” came Harry’s deep drawl at the same time that the banging ceased.

  
“Harry, I know you have a key. Give it to me. We’ll open up, get Zayn out and then I swear we’ll head home. Easy.” Louis’ voice was soft and coaxing. He was obviously trying to convince Harry that he should let him have the key.

  
“No. Let’s go,” came Harry’s voice, stern and unrelenting. There was a bit of a scuffle to be heard. Zayn could only imagine that Louis had try to go for the key, wherever Harry had it.

  
“No! Harry! Let me down! I have to get him out of there. He’s making a mistake! Can’t you see? He’ll only get hurt _AGAIN_!”

  
“Ow! Can you try not kicking? Almost got me in the ribs that time,” Harry whined, their voices sounding more distant.

“Let me down you great big oaf!” 

That was the last they heard of the couple. When Zayn moved from his spot at the foot of the stairs, he went to check the gate monitor and sure enough he saw Louis’ car driving out. He gave a sigh of relief.

  
“Wanna tell me what that was about?” Liam’s voice came from incredibly close, so much so Zayn could feel his warm breath on his neck. He hadn’t meant to but Zayn cringed away from Liam’s heat, like he’d been burned.

  
Liam’s face fell a little when he noted how Zayn flinched when he felt his proximity. He supposed he deserved that. Like he’d deserved Zayn’s outburst in the kitchen. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” He said quietly.

  
“I’m sorry about Lou. He’s just very protective and he’s against me being here. I’ll talk to him. Make sure he doesn’t come round making a scene like that when Taylor’s home,” Zayn said curtly, completely ignoring Liam’s apology and question. He then turned on his heel and made his way upstairs, leaving Liam to stew in the events of the day.

~*~

 

Zayn hadn’t come down for the rest of the day, which meant that Liam was a ball of nerves and tension. He didn’t know how to approach the situation. On the one hand he wanted to talk it out, wanted to fix everything but on the other hand he was scared to even broach the subject with Zayn at the moment, the last thing he wanted was to push too hard and have Zayn walk right back out the door. He decided that the latter only made him a coward though. So he thought maybe if he made Zayn’s favourite meal then maybe it would be easier for them to talk. So he set about preparing a spicy chicken dish, just the way Zayn’s mum had taught him.

  
A while later, once the food was ready and Liam had the table decked out with everything they’d need, he went about the house to find Zayn. The first place he looked was in the library and that’s where he found him, curled up on the big comfy couch with a book. He looked so peaceful and for the first time that day, very relaxed and free of the tension that had been knotted on his shoulders all day. Liam almost didn’t want to disturb him but he pushed himself into the room and quietly made his way to where Zayn sat.

  
“I made some dinner. Figured you’d be a little hungry by now,” he said quietly, so as to not startle Zayn who seemed to be lost in his book. Zayn blinked up at him from where he sat. Liam could feel him coming back to reality and he could sense the tension settle back into his shoulders.

  
“Wanna come down and eat with me?” he asked hopefully. Zayn looked like he was going to decline the offer for a moment but he seemed to think better of it and instead ended up just getting up and following Liam downstairs to the kitchen.

  
They made it down to the kitchen and Zayn sat down at one of the places Liam had made up while he got their plates. Liam carefully placed one of the plates in front of him before placing his own opposite Zayn and sitting down to eat. They sat quietly for the first few minutes, Liam too scared to broach anything for fear of angering Zayn again and Zayn, well Liam didn’t quite know what was going on in his head and that scared him. Zayn had always been somewhat of an enigma to Liam, the juxtaposition of his outward image and appearance of tough, bad boy covered in tattoos with a cigarette behind his ear and the soft-spoken, kind-hearted and loving soul that he was on the inside had always confused Liam as to how they worked so beautifully and seamlessly together but they did. And Zayn was also never very comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings (a side-effect, Liam learned, of insecurities) unlike Liam who let it all out in his music. But despite that, after all this time Liam had learned how to read Zayn and understand him without Zayn having to verbalise his feelings. Well at least that was before Liam fucked things up for them. Now Zayn seemed to have put up a wall to keep Liam out and that unsettled Liam because he wasn’t sure how to fix the mess he made if Zayn wouldn’t let him in.

  
“So we should probably talk, Liam.” Liam looked up from his plate and met Zayn’s eye. There was no anger there or sadness, just a vacant look that he couldn’t decipher.

  
“Yeah, we should,” Liam agreed, putting his fork down to give Zayn his full attention.

  
“I don’t want you seeing her again Liam. I don’t want you talking to her, ever! Not on twitter, not on the phone not even by bloody email. I want her out of your life and off of your team and far away from you,” Zayn said, voice steely and cold, low enough to send shivers running through Liam’s spine.

  
“I understand where you’re coming from, and I promise that I won’t communicate with her outside of work… but I can’t just fire her Zayn. We have a contract and there’s legal stuff that makes it difficult to just drop her.” Zayn’s features clouded over at Liam’s words. It was something that Liam had not seen since that day Zayn had found out about the one night stand. It was a mixture of pure, hot rage and deep sadness mangling his face into an expression Liam never wanted to see again.

  
“It wasn’t a bloody request! I’m not sharing you with her Liam. I came back because I thought you wanted this to work but if–“

  
“I do want it to work” Liam interrupted, because God! He would give his arm, his leg, even his heart to make it work.

  
“Then pay her off, make up an excuse to fire her, do whatever it takes! I don’t fucking care about the repercussions, Liam, I want her off your crew,” he said.

  
Zayn wasn’t one for underhandedness and manipulation, in fact he considered himself quite a moral guy and wouldn’t usually suggest such things to have someone removed from their job but he couldn’t see past the blind hatred he had for Danielle and what she represented in their relationship. He’d never be able to trust Liam if she stayed around him and he wanted with all his might to be able to trust him again. So for the sake of their relationship, for the sake of all he loved, he had to sacrifice a bit of his morality. He had to play the villain because that’s what Liam had done to him innit? He had torn Zayn’s soul to shreds and reduced him to this. Now here he was wielding around ultimatums to get someone fired. It was bad enough that Zayn no longer recognised himself when he looked into the mirror having lost a lot of weight from never eating and having gained dark rings around his eyes from the lack of sleep, but now he no longer recognised himself when he lay in bed at night with nothing but his thoughts, all vicious ones that tore down and cursed the name of the girl who had ruined his relationship with Liam.

  
“Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll get rid of her,” Liam relented. He’d protested but only because it was inherent in him to worry about logistics and procedures, not because he wanted to keep Danielle around. Getting rid of Dani was a small price to pay to keep Zayn. A very small price compared to what he had thought Zayn would ask of him. All day while Zayn had locked himself in the library Liam had been wracking his brain trying to figure out what it was that Zayn would ask him to give up in order for him to stay in their lives. He’d come to the conclusion that Zayn would probably ask him to give up his career as a musician. It would have made sense too, because there was no trust in their relationship now, and if he stayed a singer he’d have to tour and how was Zayn to trust that Liam wouldn’t do the same thing again while on the road? Obviously Liam would never EVER even consider looking at someone else again but Zayn didn’t know that and he wouldn’t be on the road with Liam to watch over him because he had a job now and he’d also become such a dedicated parent to Taylor that Liam didn’t think he would give those things up in the name of keeping an eye on his cheating boyfriend. So Liam had resigned and reconciled himself with the thought of retiring as a musician. Had Zayn approached him and said _“I want you to quit singing,”_ he wouldn’t have thought twice about it, he would have easily said _“Yes, babe,”_ and then called Harry and Niall and terminated his contract with them. He would have given up the very thing that has been his first love for years now without question to save his family. So no, what Zayn was asking of him wasn’t too much at all and he would do everything he could to make sure that he could make it happen.

  
“Good,” was Zayn's only reply before he was pushing his chair out with a loud and aggressive screech on the tiled kitchen floor and walking out of the room, having barely touched his food.

  
Liam was left alone at the table with his own plate also barely touched. He figured that neither of them really had an appetite that night. So he got up and cleared the dishes. When he was done he headed upstairs, deciding that it would be best for him to get in an early night because Taylor was coming home the next day and he couldn’t be emotionally and physically drained when she did. And he figured he would be able to get some proper sleep for the first time in weeks, now that Zayn was home. Yes, they had a lot to work through still and they had hardly talked but at least he was home.

 

~*~

Liam was coming down the passage when he saw Zayn disappear into the guestroom at the end of the passage. He walked past the master and straight down to where Zayn was. Knocking lightly on the door.

“Come in Liam,” he heard Zayn say from the other side of the door. Liam came in to find him rifling around in a drawer where he seemed to have unpacked his stuff. Liam’s heart sank a little.

  
“You not sleeping in our room?” he asked into the quiet room. Zayn continued rifling around for a bit, as if searching for the words to say next within the contents of the drawer.

  
“I can’t Liam. Not yet,” was all he said, not looking up from the drawer.

  
“But Z, babe, how are we supposed to work through this if you won’t even sleep in our bed?” Liam asked, stalking carefully towards where Zayn stood.

  
“I need time.”

  
“Time to what Zayn? We need to talk about this. You need to tell me what you want me to do to make this right. We can’t tiptoe around it forever you know,” Liam said, reaching out to make Zayn look at him. He made a move to pull the smaller man closer and into his arms but Zayn pushed him away.

  
“Don’t touch me!” Liam staggered back a bit, the force of the words hitting like a punch to the stomach, leaving him almost winded with their impact.

  
“Z, baby please.” Liam pleaded as he stepped forward again to try and touch Zayn. Zayn flinched away from his touch.

  
“Do you think I _want_ this Liam?” Zayn asked, the words a barely audible whisper? “I want to let you touch me but every time you do, god, every time you do all I can think of is you touching her, kissing her…fucking her Liam! And I feel sick! Sick to my fucking stomach!”

  
Liam was the one to flinch back this time, the words cutting through him like knives.

  
“And do you know what the worst is? I feel shit about it. I see you standing there with this fucking broken look in your eyes, and _I_ feel like scum, like it’s my fault because I can’t forget what _YOU_ did to me – to _us_.”

  
What could Liam do about that then? What could he do to erase those thoughts from Zayn’s mind? The answer was nothing. He was absolutely powerless. All he could do was stand there and watch Zayn blame himself for his mistakes.

  
“You know I mean it right? I really am so fucking sorry I hurt you Zayn. I know it probably doesn’t mean much to you now but I hope that it will soon because I love you and I don’t want to ever lose you.” Liam ached to hold Zayn in his arms and comfort him but he knew that though he had been Zayn’s comfort in their relationship before, he couldn’t be it now. So he resigned himself to one last look at Zayn before exiting the room, leaving bits of his shattered heart along the way as a trail that he hoped in vain Zayn would follow back to their bed.

  
~*~

Liam wasn’t entirely sure when he had managed to doze off but when he came to much later that night, it was to too familiar arms and legs wrapped around him and a comfortable warmth he had gone to sleep without. He hummed a satisfied sigh and turned towards it before settling back to sleep again.

  
~*~

The next morning Zayn woke to find himself wrapped around Liam and Liam wrapped around him. He had moved from the spare room to their bedroom in the early hours of the morning, when he had finally grown tired of tossing and turning. After he had crawled into their bed, he had felt overwhelmed with exhaustion and found himself drifting off to peaceful sleep for the second time since things had started falling apart. When he opened his eyes again, Liam was facing him, his arms clutched tightly around Zayn. For the first time in weeks, there wasn’t a dull pulsing between his ribs when he took his first morning breath. There was something else there, something akin to relief but not quite it. This feeling, pushing at his chest, had a hint of something bitter to it and Zayn couldn’t quite make it out. He looked at a peaceful Liam, snoring gently as he continued to clutch onto Zayn.

  
In the light of the morning his decision to come back seemed like the right thing, even though his ghosts had haunted him the previous night until he did not know why he was in that house. He had had to come back to this room and this bed and remind himself. Looking at Liam in his fitful sleep made him realise that it had not really been a choice for him to come back. It was more a necessity for him to be here because somehow he felt a little less broken in these familiar surroundings. He didn’t need to be told he was a masochist, he knew it. There was no other explanation as to why he found solace in the very person that had caused his grief, but he did. Liam who had shattered him was the only one who could fix him again. And so, here he was lying in his arms.

  
He looked around the room, taking in the surroundings he hadn’t woken up in in a while. He realised that nothing had changed about the room. Everything was still exactly the way it was when he had left a month or so ago. The last book he had been reading when he was here still lay on his bedside table (open at the very same page he had stopped reading at), along with his reading glasses and alarm clock. Speaking of the alarm clock, the numbers read 10:13 in big red digits and he was reminded that he had to go see Louis. He had to convince him that coming back to Liam was the best thing for everyone. If that failed then he at least had to make certain he wouldn’t come around making a scene like he did the previous day when Taylor was home. So he carefully extracted himself from Liam’s vice-like grip and padded his way to the bathroom.

~*~

Liam shifted a bit, feeling a sudden coldness where a familiar warmth had lain. He stretched out his arm to feel around for Zayn but he was no longer there. He jolted up, panic running through him as he took in the empty sheets.

  
“Zayn?” he called out, but there was no answer. He climbed out of bed, his heart beating a little faster than it had been before. It only started to slow to a normal pace when he approached the en-suite bathroom and heard the shower going. He released the breath that he had been keeping in, unintentionally. He pushed the door open and was hit with the steam and the smell of Zayn’s cinnamon and pine shower gel that he had been using while the other man was away. He had had to go out and buy some because Zayn had taken his when he packed up his stuff and he’d needed it, needed to smell Zayn as a substitute of no longer seeing him around their home or in their bed.

  
“Zayn?” he said again, this time into the steamy room with fogged up shower glass and mirrors.

  
“I’m in the shower Leeyum. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  
“All right. Want me to make you something to eat so long?” he asked into the steam. There was silence for a beat before he heard a resigned “Sure, I’ll have whatever you’re having,” from Zayn.

  
He took that as a tiny victory. It wasn’t much, but it was something. It was a positive step towards reconciliation because last night Zayn had not even wanted to be in the same room as Liam, but this morning he had woken up in their bedroom and was using their shower and now was even willing to perhaps share another meal with Liam. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

  
Zayn heard the door of the bathroom close, as Liam descended, presumably to go make breakfast. He sighed out in a bit of relief because he had been nervous in the 2 minutes that Liam had been in the space. When he had heard the door opening he had assumed that Liam would try something like seducing him. They’d always enjoyed a little fooling around in the shower and he had worried that Liam would try that as a way to speed their healing process along. Zayn was not yet ready though. He may have woken up in their bed this morning, wrapped in Liam’s arms, but he still didn’t have it in him to do anymore or go any further. He hadn’t been lying when he had told Liam that his touch brought on all sorts of thoughts of him and Danielle together. But in the end, in the middle of the night, in yet another strange bed, he had found that he would rather be haunted by those thoughts while wrapped up in Liam in their bed, rather than alone in the guest bedroom.

  
Zayn was still fighting himself on his return to Liam and their life together and he needed more time to forgive the transgression before he could give himself over to Liam like _that_ again. Zayn had never been one to _just_ have sex. He never got off on just the promise of gratification, he needed _more_ from the act. He craved the closeness, the openness and the trust that was tacitly exchanged between two people whilst making love. And that’s what it was with Liam. As cliché as it may have sounded, it was never just sex with Liam. It was something more than that. It was a soothing of fears through searing kisses, a wiping away of insecurities through gentle caresses and a promise of complete love and devotion through giving themselves over to each other in a way that no one else was meant to get. But Liam had caused him so much pain that he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to be that vulnerable with him again. And that was the problem, wasn’t it? Liam had broken their trust by letting someone else touch him in a way that only Zayn was supposed to be allowed to. That not only felt like the ultimate betrayal to Zayn, but it had also triggered something in him that caused the walls he had worked so hard to break down, to come right back up. They stood taller now too.

  
~*~

  
It was about twenty minutes later when Zayn came down into the kitchen to find Liam stacking pancakes on a plate. He spun around quickly when he heard Zayn’s keys jingle in his hands as he entered.

  
“You going somewhere?” he tried to ask as casually as possible but he couldn’t help the bit of anxiety that clawed at him when he turned around and saw Zayn clad in boots, jeans and a jacket. Zayn was usually barefoot in joggers and an old t-shirt when he was at home, so when Liam took in his outfit he half expected to see packed suitcases behind him as well.

  
“Uh, yeah,” Zayn said slowly, quickly following up with a, “Louis’. I reckon I have to have a chat with him before you bring Taylor home, yeah? Can’t have him pulling anything like yesterday when she’s home.”

  
“Oh, yeah. Cheers,” Liam said, to fill in the awkward silence that seemed to fall between them after Zayn’s hurried explanation. He couldn’t deny the amount of relief he felt at having Zayn back, but he also had to admit to the awkwardness that had built between them now. He didn’t know how to act around Zayn because while all Liam wanted to do was touch, hold and kiss him, he now knew that Zayn wasn’t quite ready for all of that yet. This left Liam in a bit of a fix because he found he was unsure of how much he was allowed to do or how close to Zayn he was allowed to be. As frustrated as he was with the boundaries that were now between them, he wanted to respect Zayn’s space and give him time to fully adjust to them being back in the same orbit again. The last thing he wanted was to jeopardise their relationship again by pushing when Zayn wasn’t ready for anything yet. This was the only thing that had kept him from trying to join Zayn in the shower earlier.

  
“Wanna eat something before you go? I made pancakes,” he said. He knew it was a bit obvious and he didn’t need to tell Zayn when he could clearly see the stack piled up on a plate next to the stove but he was still grappling with those boundaries and what he could or could not say in order to not upset Zayn. So he stuck to simple conversation such as breakfast.

  
“Yeah, I think I could eat some.”

  
Liam brought a plate over to Zayn, who was now seated at their table. He’d also brewed some coffee so he poured a mug and set it next to his boyfriend. Boyfriend? Could he even call him that now or anymore? It was ridiculous that he didn’t even know how to refer to Zayn anymore but they hadn’t discussed much, or even the conditions of the other man’s return, so unfortunately he had no idea what this was yet or whether or not it was permanent or just a nostalgic whim on Zayn’s part.

  
Liam joined him at the table, pecking quietly at his breakfast. They sat in silence for a while, the only sound being the gentle scraping of cutlery on porcelain until Zayn spoke up.

  
“When are you bringing Taz home then?”

  
Liam cleared his throat, “Uh, me mum’s bringing her over later this afternoon,” he replied. He was originally planning on fetching her himself but when he had spoken to his mum to confirm with her, the night before, she had insisted on coming over when she had heard that Zayn was home.

  
“I’ll try be back before then,” Zayn said as he drank the last of his coffee and stood up from the table, ready to leave. Liam nodded his acquiescence.

  
Zayn was almost out the front door when he heard Liam’s hurried footsteps coming down the hall.

  
“Zayn?” Zayn turned around to find Liam a few hesitant steps away from him, a nervous and sad look on his face. “You’re sure you’re coming back, right? Like you won’t decide that it’s – we – that I’M not worth it while you’re over there?” Something caught in Zayn’s chest. It felt a little like concern and a lot like guilt.

  
“I’m coming back Liam,” was all he said. It was all he could say right then because saying anymore would open floodgates that he didn’t have time to re-dam. So with that he quickly made his way to Louis’.

  
~*~

When Zayn had knocked on Louis’ door he had half expected the door to be swung open by a furious Louis yelling all sorts of admonishments and telling him off for being stupid enough to return to Liam. Instead, when the door was pulled open he was met by a quietly seething Louis, who said nothing while slowly appraising Zayn before finally stepping aside to let his best friend into his home. Zayn took a tentative step into the house, stopping just inside the door. He didn’t want to overstep by inviting himself any further into Louis’ space when he wasn’t even sure he was still welcome there. But Louis still didn’t say anything as he shut the door and instead just turned around and began making his way towards the lounge. Zayn took that as a sign to follow so he went after him.

  
Louis was already seated and scowling at the entryway when Zayn walked in and sat down on a chair just opposite him. An awkward silence fell between them again and Zayn felt stupid. He was the one who had shown up at Louis’ door intent to talk, yet here he was staring dumbly at him. The truth was that even though he had spent the entire drive over rehearsing what he would say to his best mate, now that he was seated right in front of him, none of the words he had prepared felt eloquent or adequate enough to even begin to explain the last twenty-eight hours in a way that Louis would ever want to understand. But he had to try, for peace’s sake.

  
He cleared his throat nervously as he considered his friend, who was now staring at him with a mild disinterest that bordered on angry concern.

  
“So have you come to your senses then? I don’t see your bags,” Louis interrupted, before Zayn could speak.

  
“I left them at Liam’s,” was Zayn’s timid response as Louis glared at him like he really wanted to clock him to his senses. There was more silence.

  
“Look Louis, I know that –” Zayn started, but he was interrupted by a humourless chuckle from Louis.

“You know shit mate,” he spat out, his words cool and as friendly as deadly venom, “if you knew anything then you would know what a fucking mistake it is to go running back to him.”

  
That stung but Zayn didn’t let Louis’ remark discourage him from what he wanted to say and continued as though the tone in the words didn’t chill his bones.

  
“I know you don’t understand why I had to go back to him Lou, and I won’t try to make you understand because I can tell it’s the last thing you want right now. But I came here to ask you to be okay with it.”

  
There was a long silence between them, Zayn’s sombre amber gaze meeting Louis’ fierce blue glare.

  
“Be okay with it? How am I supposed to be okay with you walking right back into the arms of the man who’s ripped you apart Zayn?” Louis questioned, the rage in his eyes intensifying with every word.

  
“Louis, I’m fine. I’ll be all right, yeah? I’m even getting some sleep now, full eight hours and everything,” Zayn said, looking down at his feet nervously, no longer able to withstand the intensity of Louis’ glare.

  
“And what? Is that supposed to make me jump for joy Zayn? Is that supposed to make me believe that it’s all right for you to go back there, to _him_ , because you got a few hours of sleep?”

  
When he put it like that, the assertion sounded idiotic even to Zayn’s own ears.  
“It will get better Lou,” he said pitifully, unconvincing even to himself.

  
“You can’t honestly believe that!” was Louis’ incredulous response. But Zayn was prepared to stand up for that particular statement because even though it had sounded timid and cowardly when he had said it out loud, he couldn’t deny that he actually believed it. Amidst every other treacherous emotion he was feeling, there was a very distinct sense of hope that was growing within him. It permeated through the mess that he was and made Zayn feel like it was actually possible that he would one day feel all right again. And that was a lot, because since the break-up he had begun to think he would never feel whole again.

  
“I do, actually,” he said a little stronger now, with more conviction than he had felt since he’d walked into the house. “Liam’s apologised. And I know he’s sorry. He’s said it a million times too.”

  
“Until he fucks up again, and then what?”  
“He won’t.”

  
“You don’t fucking know that, do you? What you do know is that he’s been fucking up since the day you two met! And I don’t get why you keep going back to him. I know you know you should walk away but you just don’t. You need to stay away from him Zayn, before he does irreparable damage to you. God knows he came damn close to it this time,” Louis seethed.

  
“Louis I can’t just leave him. He needs me. That innocent little girl needs me. And I need them. Please understand that I need to do this for me. I want to work things out with him.”

  
“What about what your mum and your sisters need? Your family, Zayn, what about them? Every time Liam messes up you’re not the only one that gets hurt in the cross fire lad. Do you think it’s easy for us to watch you fall into pieces because of him? Well it’s not! It’s not fucking easy Zayn,” Louis was voice was rising with frustration, the more he spoke.

  
“It wasn’t easy hearing you sobbing into the phone because that bastard broke your heart. It wasn’t easy finding you parked on the side of the road, broken and hurting. It sure as hell wasn’t easy watching you withdraw from the world and slip into a depression I could do nothing to help you out of. You’re not the only one that suffers Zayn! You’re not the only one that got fucking destroyed by this you selfish prat.”

  
Zayn’s eyes were burning with tears that he didn’t want to let fall. He’d done too much crying lately and he just didn’t want to do it anymore. It didn’t help. It didn’t make anything better, it didn’t even begin to dull the pain. So it was no use. He wiped hastily at a rogue tear with the sleeve of his jacket.

  
If Zayn was being truthful, he knew he had behaved selfishly over the course of the last month. He knew that he wasn’t the only one scathed by this whole saga. He knew his mother wasn’t sleeping properly either, and was up all night worrying about him and blaming herself for supporting his relationship with Liam. He was aware that Safaa had started acting up and lashing out because he had always been her rock and now that he hurting she couldn’t do anything to help him so she took her frustrations out on everyone around her. Mostly though he had noticed how Louis seemed to orbit around him, never leaving his side for more than hour, afraid that if he did Zayn might not be there when he returned. He saw how tense and wired up his best mate was because of the state Zayn was in. And he’d noticed how Louis and Harry’s relationship was taking strain because Louis blamed Harry for standing by Liam when he had hurt Zayn. He’d noticed all of these things, but just ignored them, content to wallow in his own pain. He’d told himself he had to because if he let himself worry about his loved ones worrying about him, it would only add to the debris he was trying to come out from under and even he wouldn’t have survived that, not when fighting through it already felt futile.

  
"I know. And I'm sorry you had to see me like that,” was Zayn’s response. It felt meaningless when he said it, but those were the only words he knew that could begin to express his remorse.

  
“I didn't mean for all of you to go through this with me," Zayn said sincerely. He meant it too. He would have never willingly, put himself into a position where his loved ones were worrying themselves sick about him. He strived for the opposite because he hated being a burden on them, even though they tried to convince him that they didn't mind. This time it had all been a bit too much for him though. He had given his everything to his relationship with Liam, opened himself up so completely that when he learned of his cheating, the pain of his seemingly atrophic heart had swallowed him whole and he'd checked out emotionally, and physically.

  
It wasn't an excuse though, he blamed himself for being reckless with his heart and for not being stronger than the pain and his circumstances enough to shield his family from it. He was going to make it up to them though. This time around he was going to be twice as strong.

  
"If you mean that then do us all a favour and don't go back to him Zayn," Louis wasn't shouting anymore. But he still seemed so determined to change Zayn’s mind, to make him see what he undoubtedly believed to be reason.

  
"He's my life Louis. I've spent the last year building a life with him. I can't just walk away now, not because of a drunken shag he had with some bird,” Zayn said, trying to reason with his friend and make him understand, “If I leave him Louis, I've got nothing left. I made him my everything and now this is the price I have to pay. And I’m willing to pay it. I'd rather face this pain every day for the rest of my life and still wake up with him, than be without him Lou." Louis considered Zayn carefully, his face gave away nothing but his showed the conflict within him.

  
“I don't know that I can handle having to see you like that again. I can't protect you from him if you won't let me," Louis was pleading with him now, almost begging Zayn to reconsider going back to Liam.

  
It was quiet for a beat, while the weight of all that had been said in that room settled upon them. Louis had stood up and started pacing the room at some point but was now standing as far away from Zayn as the walls would allow. The determination that he had had earlier seemed to have left him. It was evident in the slump of his shoulders. It was as if he was a puppet and someone had cut his strings and he could no longer keep his shoulders up.

  
"I won't hold your hand while you walk right back into the arms of a cheat who broke your heart. If you're going to do this you're going to have to do it without me," Louis said, his words carrying a resignation that Zayn had not known his always-optimistic best friend had the capacity for. “I can’t watch you head for another heartbreak.”

Zayn nodded his understanding because he did understand where Louis was coming from.

"And I won't force you to," Zayn said quietly. It was sincere too. Zayn understood better than anyone the need to protect oneself from things that caused you pain. And if Zayn's going back to Liam was hurting Louis, then it would be selfish of him to force him to stay in his life and watch. So if he had to let his best mate go in order for Louis (and himself) to be okay, then Zayn would gladly let him go. He stood up from where he had been perched and took in his best mate. For all he knew, it could be the last time that they talked like this. He wanted so much to walk over and put his arms around Louis and tell him that no matter what happened after this, he would always be his best friend. But he couldn’t do that because it would only make it harder to walk away. With one last look to Louis, Zayn made his way out the entryway.

  
As he made his way to the front door, he was stopped by Louis' voice not too far behind him, "You're really doing this then?" he asked, a sad lilt to the tone. Zayn regarded his mate. The defences that had been up when he had arrived were completely down now. Louis seemed as small as his voice had come out, his vulnerability clear in his stance and the way his hands were fisted to his sides to keep himself from reaching out. Zayn knew that Louis was asking for more than just a confirmation of his decision to go back to Liam. It was a reminder, a reminder that what Zayn did next could possibly end one of the most important relationships in his life. It was a plea for Zayn not to choose Liam over him. Though the finality that came with Louis' resignation caused Zayn to second guess the past twenty-nine hours, he quickly shook off the doubt. Louis didn't need him, and Zayn would learn how to get along without him, eventually. But Liam and Taylor needed Zayn now more than ever, and above that he needed them like he need the air he breathed. He could survive without Louis, it would be difficult and lonely, but he would work at it until he didn't feel like he was missing a limb. A limb wasn't as essential as a heart and Liam and Taylor didn't just have his heart, they were his heart. He couldn't live without his heart.

  
"I love him," was Zayn's reply.

  
“More than me? You’re choosing him over me.” It wasn’t so much a question more than a realisation said out loud. It felt significant, like Louis was finally realising the depth of Zayn’s devotion to Liam.

  
“No, not more than you Lou. Never more than you,” Zayn said, shaking his head as if to dispel the notion from the air, “Just more than life itself,” was the last thing said between them before he walked out the door, not sure when (if ever) he would be allowed to return.

  
~*~

It was around noon when the doorbell rang through the house, alerting Liam to someone’s arrival. He knew it was his mum and Taylor, he’d buzzed them in a few minutes ago. He quickly looked around the house, making sure it was tidy. For the first time in weeks he had had the energy to fix the place up a little. It was less for his mum and more for Zayn. Zayn who still hadn’t returned yet. He was trying not to panic, he had no reason not to believe he would come back. His clothes and luggage were still in the guestroom after all. He just had to be patient.

He went to get the door, when he opened it he found his mum and his daughter standing there, both with careful expressions on their faces. His mum was probably trying to figure out if he was still okay, and Taylor was probably trying to work out whether it was a good day or a bad day for her daddy. Liam hated that, he hated that his four year old daughter had had to learn to tread carefully around him over the last month, all because he hadn’t been able to keep himself in check around her. But it would all be all right now, they would be okay, he would do everything in his power to make sure that his family got back to normal again.

  
He gave them both a wide smile before reaching down to pick Taylor up.

  
“Well hello there,” he said, picking her up and twirling her around. “Daddy’s missed you so much,” he said while planting kisses all over her face, making her giggle in delight. “Did you miss me? Or do I have to tickle you until you do?” he asked, starting to tickle the squirming little girl in his arms.

Taylor squealed in delight before screaming, “Yes daddy! I missed you lots and lots,” as her arms came to encircle Liam’s neck in a tight squeeze.

  
“Oh yeah? How much?” he asked, squinting at her sceptically as she pulled back from the embrace.

  
“This much!” she said, stretching her little arms out as wide as they would go. All three of them laughed as Liam set her back down on her feet.

“Me too love. Why don’t you take your bag up to your room, yeah?” Liam asked, out of habit although he knew that Taylor knew the drill by then. Once the little girl had scampered off up the stairs to her bedroom, Liam turned to finally regard his mother.

“How are you doing Bean?” she asked, soft smile on her face, “You look so much better than when I saw you a few days ago,” she noted.

  
Liam nodded, he felt better too. He’d not only gotten the best night’s sleep he’d had in weeks, but he also felt a little more hopeful that things might fix between him and Zayn, that is if Zayn returned from Louis’.

  
“I feel better,” he affirmed as his mother wrapped him up in a tight squeeze. Once they’d let go of each other he stepped aside to let his mother in for a cuppa.

  
Once they were seated at his kitchen table, warm cups of tea in hand, Karen looked at her son, “So? Where is he then? Thought I might have seen him by now,” she said, looking around as though Zayn would materialise at any moment from thin air.

  
Liam looked down at the cup of tea in his hands, anxiety taking a hold of him.

  
“Oh no, Bean. Did he leave again?” Karen asked, concern clouding her already sombre tone.

  
“No Mummy, he’s just gone out for a bit,” he tried to make sure that the worry in his voice was well hidden so that his mum couldn’t pick up on the uncertainty.

  
“That’s good then, isn’t it?” Karen asked, tilting her head slightly to try and look at her son’s bowed face, “Liam? Talk to me love, I want to help.”

  
“I’m just,” Liam started but was stopped by the fear catching in his throat, “I’m scared he’ll leave again,” he admitted. “He won’t talk about it, and every time I try to touch him, he flinches like I burned him. How can we work it out when he can barely look at me Mum?” he asked brokenly.

Karen stood from her seat and walked around to where Liam was seated and sat in the chair next to him.

  
“You have to be patient with him Bean,” she said gently, as she patted his back comfortingly. “What happened between you – what _you_ did – it’s not easy to forgive. It takes time and it takes a lot of making up to fix,” she explained to her son. “You broke his trust and it’s going to take a lot more than apologies to fix that sweetheart. He has to heal from it all before he can be able to fully forgive you,” she finished, putting her arm around her son’s shoulder.

  
As if summoned by the discussion of him, it was at that moment that the front door could be heard opening and closing, followed by the heavy sound of Zayn’s boots on the floor, coming towards the kitchen.  
Liam couldn’t help the tension seeping out of his shoulders in relief as Zayn appeared in the doorway.

  
No sooner had Zayn rounded the corner into the kitchen, Karen Payne was out of her seat and in his arms, holding him in the tightest embrace he’d ever experienced from her.

  
“Oh Zayn,” she said as she pulled away to look at him, “How have you been love? I’ve tried calling you since…but I couldn’t get hold of you.”

  
It was true. Ever since Liam’s cheating had been revealed, Karen had been trying to reach Zayn. The voicemail messages she left for him almost every day since were testament to that. Zayn had never returned the calls though. He hadn’t felt right about talking to Karen about Liam’s infidelity. He didn’t want to force her into an awkward in-between position when she was Liam’s mother and was meant to be by her son’s side.

  
Now though, in her arms he felt awkward, didn’t know whether to hug back or not. Whether she understood his reasons for never calling her back or coming round like she’d invited him to multiple times in her voice messages to him.

  
“I’m sorry for not calling back,” was the first thing out of his mouth when they pulled apart. It must have been the guilt forcing him to vomit out the apology as quickly as he could. But in his haste to apologise, he didn’t account for the explanation he didn’t have that Karen would likely expect.

  
“Oh sweetheart, don’t worry about it. I know it’s been difficult and you’ve been dealing with everything the best way you can,” she told him. She rubbed his arm comfortingly as she smiled gently at him. The smile was the same warm smile he’d always received from the woman but there seemed to be an added tightness around the edges that looked and felt a lot like concern for him. Suddenly Zayn felt even more lost as to how he was expected to react and respond to her and his fight or flight instinct kicked in. He had to get away from both her and Liam, just for a little bit until he could get himself together again or until he could convince himself that that look of concern in her eyes was not pity for him being pathetic enough to not only come back to a man who had cheated on him, but also for choosing said man over his best friend who had been nothing but supportive and loyal to him over the years.

  
“Uh, is Taz home?” he asked as a distraction.

  
“Yeah, she’s upstairs putting her things away,” Liam answered him, speaking up for the first time since Zayn had walked into the house.

  
“Oh good, I think I’ll go say hello. Missed her,” Zayn said, already backing out of the kitchen before either Karen or Liam had the chance to stop him.

  
Liam looked after him, worried. Despite the shadow of a smile he had tried to put on for Karen, Liam hadn’t missed the utter devastation written all over his face, his posture and his general aura. He’d been with Zayn long enough to know when something was wrong and even though the two of them were barely on speaking terms, he could still tell that the Zayn that had walked out of that house earlier was not the same Zayn that had just returned.

  
He wanted to follow after him and talk to him, but they were on shaky ground still and it wasn’t just the two of them in the house anymore, so Liam had to avoid any conversations that might set Zayn off. He was still looking forlornly at the doorway when he realised that his mother was saying something to him that he’d completely missed.

  
“Sorry Mum, what was that?” he asked when he met her worried eyes.

  
“Nothing important bean. I was just saying that maybe I should head home now and leave you to try and settle a little bit? It’s going to take some work to get back into the routine of being a family again,” she said understandingly. Liam had never been more grateful for his mum than he had been in those few weeks. She’d been nothing but supportive to him even though he didn’t deserve that support, after betraying Zayn in the way that he had. She had taken Taylor in almost every weekend since the incident to give him a little time to himself to come to terms with things or to try and fix his relationship, and she’d just been able to comfort him in a way that no one else would ever have been able to. Now there she was again, knowing exactly what he and his family needed without him having to ask her to give them a little space, and he was a bit more grateful than before.

  
“Thanks mum,” he said, smiling faintly at her, “let me just get Taylor down here to say goodbye.” He quickly ran upstairs, leaving his mum in the kitchen while she tidied their mugs. As he made his way down the hallway, towards Taylor’s room, he could already hear the faint sound of his little girl’s giggles.

When Liam got upstairs, he could hear his little girl giggling happily, from the landing. He hadn’t heard that genuine laugh in such a while that it made his heart contract and squeeze painfully. When he got to her room, he couldn’t help but stop at the door and watch as Zayn squeeze himself into one of the little chairs at the miniature table as Taylor poured him a cup of imaginary tea.

  
“Why thank you, Princess Taylor,” he smiled, as he took the little toy cup from the little girl. She giggled and curtsied before taking her own seat opposite him.

  
There was silence for a moment as the two of them pretended to drink their imaginary tea. Taylor looked up at Zayn before asking, “Can we play at home now? We don’t have to play at uncle Harry’s anymore?” she asked hopefully.

  
“Yes love, we can play at home now,” Zayn answered, as lightly as he could.

  
“You’re not mad at daddy and me anymore?” she asked sadly and Liam was immediately filled with guilt. He hadn’t known that Taylor had thought that Zayn’s absence had something to do with her. He had tried to explain to her that Zayn was a bit sad with him, but he had not thought to emphasise that it had nothing to do with her.

  
“Of course I’m not mad at you darling. I never was, okay? Daddy and I just had a little fight, but we’ve forgiven each other, yeah? None of it was your fault Taz, you understand?” the little girl nodded her head, looking down at the tea cup she had set down on the table. Zayn reached out to her and pulled her into his arms. Taylor threw her arms around his neck and it was quiet again until Taylor asked, “Can you be my baba again? Like before you and daddy had a fight?”

  
“I’ll always be your baba Taz. No matter what, and you’ll always be my beti,” Zayn replied, squeezing the little girl in his arms tighter.

  
It was then that Liam finally found the courage to walk into the room.  
“Hey guys!” he said, trying to sound chipper for the little girl, “Nanna’s about to leave. She wanted to say bye.” Zayn let go of Taylor and looked up at Liam, noting the faint red rimming his eyes. He guessed that he had heard the exchange with Taylor. He didn’t blame him for tearing up. It had taken everything he had had in him to not cry too.   
He had not given too much thought to how his and Liam’s situation would affect the little girl and it broke is heart to know now that she had blamed herself for.  
“Why don’t you go see Nan Taz, daddy and I will be down in a bit,” Zayn said, attempting to buy himself and Liam some time to collect themselves. The little girl looked between the two of them, hesitating before running downstairs.  
“I heard,” Liam said once the two of them were alone.   
“We’ll fix it!” Zayn said, determination in his voice before heading downstairs after Taylor. Liam was left to trail behind the two, pondering whether Zayn was referring to their relationship or Taylor.  
~*~  
When Zayn made it downstairs Karen and Taylor were just pulling away from what looked like a tight embrace. Karen looked up at him when she heard his footsteps approaching. There was still a tightness around her eyes and a crease of concern between her brows when she regarded Zayn, but the smile that pulled at the corners of her lips was as genuine and loving as when they had first met. She opened her arms up and waited for Zayn to approach her this time. Now that his panic and insecurity had been soothed by the presence of the little girl, he walked into her arms with little hesitation.   
Karen held onto Zayn tightly, like she had when he had come in earlier.   
“It’s okay you know,” she said into his neck as she held him in a warm embrace, “No one expects you to be fine about this, not yet. You don’t have to put on a brave face. It’ll take time to heal love, but I’m here. Whatever you need Zayn, I’m here.” She gave him a light peck on the side of his head before pulling away, a glint of a tear in her eye that she quickly wiped away.   
Liam had now joined them in the entryway and Karen went to pull her son into a quick hug too.  
“All right yous, I better be off then. Take care of each other, yeah?” she gave a little wave and smile, before turning and making her way out of the house.   
She didn’t know it, and probably didn’t intend it but her words hung heavy in the air of the house as she made her exit. They were a warning, a foreshadowing of the work Liam and Zayn had to do to fix their crumbled relationship.  
~*~  
Later that evening, after they had put Taylor to bed, Liam found Zayn curled up on the couch in the library. He was just sitting there, staring out into the back yard through the glass of the windows. He knocked gently, to get the other man’s attention. Zayn turned his head slightly to acknowledge him.  
“Mind if I join you?” Liam asked carefully. He was sure to stay in the doorway and not enter until Zayn gave his affirmation. He didn’t want to force Zayn to talk if he wasn’t ready. His mum was right. What Liam had done, should have been unforgiveable, but Zayn was there back in their home trying. The least Liam could do was to give him room enough to do that.   
Zayn nodded his assent and Liam entered. He hesitated before taking a seat on the couch next to Zayn. He sat as close to him as he thought Zayn would be comfortable to have him. Zayn went back to staring quietly out the window, a dejected look in his eyes that caused a pang of guilt in Liam.   
“Are you all right?” Liam asked softly, so as to not startle him. There was silence in the room for a long moment, and Liam was beginning to think that maybe Zayn wasn’t going to respond to his question when he broke the silence.  
“I should hate you know.”  
The statement caught Liam off-guard. He hadn’t been expecting that. His voice caught in his throat, stifled by the lump that was growing there. It was stupid that those words made him want to tear his heart out and hand it to Zayn as a peace offering. It was stupid because he knew that it was true. Zayn should’ve hated him for what he’d done, it was just hard to hear in words so stark and clear in their meaning.  
“I should hate you for what you did and for hurting me. I should hate you because I lost my best mate because of you. I should hate you so much Leeyum,” he sighed before continuing, “But I don’t. I’m here, giving up my pride, my beliefs and my best mate for you and instead of resenting you for it, all I can feel is how much I love you and all I can think is that I don’t regret it. Any of it,” Zayn said into Liam’s stunned silence. His voice was raspy with unshed tears that he was trying his hardest to hold in.   
He hated that he was spilling his thoughts to Liam, that he was showing him the hurt, confused mess he was on the inside even after he had vowed to himself to not let Liam see. But for a long time now, Liam had been more than just a boyfriend to Zayn. He had been his confidant, one of the few people Zayn felt comfortable sharing his feelings with, even though he didn’t always share it all with Liam, he shared most of it. And so when Liam had walked into the library amidst the conflict in Zayn’s head, it was just natural for him to spill his soul to him because that’s what they used to do for each other, before this mess.   
“I’d give up more for you. I’d give it all up for you.”  
Liam took in a deep breath. He should have felt relieved to hear Zayn say that he loves him, but instead he felt a multitude of other things. He felt guilt and shame, he felt sadness and anger with himself all at once. He didn’t even need to ask what Zayn meant when he said he had lost his best mate. It was pretty easy to put together considering that Louis was not his biggest fan, even before the cheating. He almost wished Zayn did hate him. He could understand that because Liam had hurt him and caused him so much trouble. It would make sense for Zayn to hate him. But this? This Liam just could not get his head around. Zayn was sitting there telling him that he loved him even though their lives were in shambles because of him.   
It hurt to know that he had caused the one person that he was now sure loved him more than anything to feel like he had to justify that love.  
“Can I hug you?” Liam asked, needing more than anything to offer his boyfriend some sort of comfort in the midst of his – of their distress. “Please Zayn, just let me starting making it all up to you. I know it’s impossible, but I want to try anyway, because I love you.” He moved closer to him and opened his arms waiting for Zayn to move into them if he wanted to. He could feel his hesitation for a moment, until Zayn gave in and went into Liam’s arms.  
He didn’t mean to. Zayn didn’t mean to break down in Liam’s arms again, but it was starting to dawn on him what his conversation with Louis meant. He was realising that this was more than just a tiff that would blow over. Louis had effectively booted him out of his life for being weak enough to not be able to withstand being alone.   
“You know I’d give it all up for you too Zayn. If you told me to quit and stay at home, I’d do it. Anything babe, anything. Just don’t leave me again, okay? Just love me again Zayn. Love me again.”   
For all that the past two days had seemed to be the beginning of their reconciliation, that moment – Zayn breaking down in Liam’s arms and finally showing him the depth of his despair – was the moment that made it feel real. It was the shifting of anger and resentment to make room for forgiveness that made the hope that they would fix things more tangible than it had seemed in the previous day.

 


End file.
